The Churches Conservation Trust came up with a brilliant idea: rent out still consecrated but disused churches to folks who want to have an unusual camping experience. Not ever one to turn down a novel experience, I booked a stay at St. Katherine in Chiselhampton, Oxfordshire.
Because I want your champing experience to be as successful as mine, I offer How to Champ Like a Champ, in 20 easy steps.
- Pick up the key for your champing church at the local pub. You’ll say, “Hi. I’m here to pick up the key for the church?” They’ll disappear for a moment and come back, biceps bulging, with a key roughly the weight of a bowling ball. Feel excited as you realize that lifting this key to the lock means you will not need to work out today.
(Be sure to spend a few minutes as you are unlocking your church marveling at the size and weight of your key.) - Arrive at the church, find the cots and sleeping bags that have been left for you and set up camp in the choir loft.
Do not be alarmed if you are momentarily puzzled as to how to get your cots up the spiral staircase. It happens to the best of champers. Persevere, Friends. 3. When your boy says he’s going to try to find a market to get some wine (Of course alcohol is allowed when champing; don’t be silly, says the Champing website) and asks if you want to come, tell him no, you’d rather stick around and explore.
4. As soon as he walks out the door, realize that you are setting yourself up exactly like the victims on all those British murder mysteries do. Sun is setting, you’re about to be alone in a country church with no electricity and no cell phone service. You’re basically wearing a neon sign advertising that you’d love for someone to sneak up behind you and whack you in the head with a communion chalice.
5. Run out the door screaming, “Just kidding! I think I’m too scared! I’ve watched too many murder shows! I do want to come with you!
6. Realize that you’re probably being silly and change your mind and decide to stay behind and commune with whatever might inhabit this lovely, extremely old, possibly haunted church in the middle of the English countryside.
7. As the sun starts to set, pull out your head torch and wander around the church, reading the plaques that commemorate the people who are buried in the vault beneath you.
8. Decide you’d rather explore the bell tower.
9. Climb the ladder into the bell tower and stand there briefly remembering the episode of Midsomer Murders where someone is killing off all the bell ringers of the parish church the week before the bell-ringing competition in Midsomer Wellow.
10. Quickly descend the ladder.
11. Sit quietly in one of the pews. Feel briefly reverent, and then start to wonder if church mice are a thing.
12. Decide to wait outside for the boy to return with the wine.
13. When he returns, drink red wine from plastic cups and play some cards by the light of your torches and the cute electric candles that were left for you.
14. At around 11, realize that the bell has been chiming the hour every hour. Wonder if it will chime the whole night through or if it will, perhaps, stop chiming at midnight.
15. Learn that it will not stop chiming at midnight.
16. Decide to go check out the stars and brush your teeth.
17. Have a brief conversation with your champing partner about where you should brush your teeth. There’s something that feels wrong about spitting out toothpaste in the churchyard, so decide to clear the church gates and head down the road a bit for brushing. You’re not here for any disrespect, after all.
18. Head back inside and wonder if all those years of piano lessons mean that you could play that harmonium.
19. Sort of.
20. As you turn off your torches and crawl into your sleeping bags, whisper to your champing buddy, “You know, I think we’re really lucky to get to do this. I love champing.”
PS. There are 27 champing churches across England, and one in Orkney. Champing season starts in March, so if you think you might love to champ as much as I did, now’s the time to book!
See How We Go 
Leave a comment